In Pursuit of Perfection

     I recently had a little get-together at my house. Nothing fancy, just a few friends and acquaintances for some food and fun. If you ask me, it's a really good way to get things done around your house. Every time I do this it's the same story-I swear it's not going to happen, but it ALWAYS does. All of a sudden, the house that I love is full of flaws and I find myself with a to-do list a mile long. Seriously.
     Now, when I think back on times that I've been in someone else's house, I can't remember any kind of details-just general impressions. I have never taken a magnifying glass and looked for dirt or peeked under the bed for dust bunnies. I mean, who cares? It's all about the company, and the experience. But for some reason when people come to MY house, I panic over the smallest details. Why?
      I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this-maybe it's some kind of therapy for me.  I don't think my friends are critical, and I know that most of them would never judge me if my house was cluttered, the food was bad or my throw pillows didn't match (ha ha). I really would love to just have a party and not spend days (or weeks) planning food, cleaning, stressing and touching up those mistakes in my decor. My one ray of hope is an article I read in a magazine that got me right where it counts and I've saved it for years, waiting to find a way to post it somewhere in my house and more importantly-imitate it.
      The story was about a woman very much like me, who for her own reasons, always spent her parties in a panic, frantically working in her kitchen while everyone had fun without her. Then, one night,  she was a guest at a dinner party that was unlike anything she had ever experienced. The food WAS NOT READY when the guests arrived.  The guests were asked to HELP with the chopping, mixing and tasting. The hostess was not even wearing lipstick. The drinks were served in an old milk jug. There was a dog sleeping under the table. And.....she had an absolutely fantastic time! In fact, I think she said it was the best dinner party she had ever attended.
      She said that she asked the hostess what her secret was- how she could be so relaxed and casual, and shared how she stressed over her own entertaining efforts. The hostess basically told her that her motto was to NEVER put your best foot forward when entertaining-don't try to impress people, and if they STILL like you then you can relax forever!
  Wow-probably not such a shocking concept to most of you, but for me it was a revelation. The idea that I could not try so hard to be perfect, that people could see my flaws and STILL like me is just out of reach. It makes sense in my head, but I can't quite get my heart to buy in. Some times I do better than others. My husband has learned what pushes my panic buttons and does his best to be helpful and supportive. He hates to see me that way-up all night, tired, critical of myself. But he has also learned that no one can really help me but me. I have no problem being laid back when someone else is throwing the party. I don't mind helping them cook, clean up, whatever. Why do we (because I KNOW I'm not alone in this) beat ourselves up in the quest to be the perfect hostess? Where do these insecurities come from? And why can't we see ourselves the way others see us?
      I think for me, it is the knowledge that I have no special talents. I can't sing, I'm not a genius, I don't dance, paint, play sports or piano, sew, or do anything else that makes me special. The cooking thing is all I have, and LOTS of people can do that. So, I try very hard to do my best and hope that it's enough to make me stand out in some small way. Someday, I hope to be that woman in the story-the one who was confident and casual at her parties. In the meantime, I will continue the battle with those inner demons who so badly want me to fail. Maybe I can whip them into submission with a clean kitchen and some perfectly baked New York Cheesecake.....